I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.
Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.
Strangely, I never drank in secondary school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.
With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.
On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.
Then life goes on - I dated a nice guy, at the same time registered as a nurse and achieved a masters degree. On weekend we hang out together, occasionally drank wine together, and when I'm not together with him I would buy me a bottle for myself.
Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.
My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.
After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.
But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.
I was more jovial than I had ever been. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.
Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:
Getting completely pounded last Christmas at a mixed drink party
I even got wasted at my sister's 50th birthday
I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
Screaming fits in the presence of my kids
Boxing my husband in the face
An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest
Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. I feel that I finally got straight, ready to come home.